Sounds like

a plan.

And I thought I was just cynical

in thinking the problem is an epidemic of greed. 

When life gives you terror alerts

make nacho slices. 

The not-quite

Victory Garden. 

Eventually they will reach

the one-millionth suspect for the salmonella watch list. One fucking jalapeno? Can this government be saved?

Turd Blossom's legacy

Maybe America has finally learned what happens when the horse shit gets too deep. 

Hurtling

toward extinction. Story's a bit of a mess, but it ends with a bang. (TomDispatch's advice for reading the NYTimes always holds: Start with the last three grafs.) 

Still, as if we should talk . . . 

One nation

under the bed. Of course, figures lie and liars figure, because this story mentions ground beef in passing, but the pants-wetting seems to be over produce. McDonald's, after all, is a constitutional right. 

On the plus side

we can take comfort in knowing not all the funny money was distributed in Iraq.

When ingredients

are treated like suspected terrorists: Accuse them all and keep bungling. 

Somehow

I don't think jalapenos will be the culprit, although "loose ends" is an interesting phrase to use in an investigation of salmonella-driven diarrhea. And Lou Dobbs is going to go even more batshit insane. As always, though, the mystery is why recalls of far more lethal beef just elicit yawns. 

Where are the blazing headlines

on "the attack of the killer beef"? Tomato terror is so last week. 

As good a dissection

as any of the national character. I've only been through Amarillo by Trailways but do know how those roads and that terrain let your mind run wild. 

Who needs terrorists

when we have the FDA? And it might not even be tomatoes at risk. 

For all my skepticism

about the frenzy over tainted tomatoes, I have to admit I did just wash the sublime champagne mango I just bought at Gourmet Garage (still no bag reward). Crap on the skin goes straight into the flesh when you slice into fruit. And in a world where the preponderance of farmworkers and food handlers have no clean place to void, let alone wash up afterward, it's amazing the rich all over the planet are not brought to their knees before the porcelain throne every night. Shit doesn't just happen.

Why do all the tomatoes

illustrating the scare stories look exactly like the greenhouse babies that are safe to eat?

Which came first?

The salmonella in the egg or in the chicken? So far, this cuts through the FDA tomato crap best.

"Food safety is never an issue"

in the farm bill. Lobbyists get only what they pay for.

And don't even think about what factory farming does for pigs. Purell ain't gonna help.

Farting vegans

And Thanet Earth.

Worse than I realized

Don't know that I can recall a front page like this during any of the many, many E. coli beef recalls in which people actually did die. Talk about sacred steers.