No chickenshit

Sherlock. This, unfortunately, only hints at how figures lie and liars figure. Meantime, might be best not to complain about the high price of clean chicken at farmers' market. I'd think. (Photo is also absurdly romantic, too, given how chickens really are raised these days.)

When salmonella is the problem

the solution is always: Buyer, be more careful. Cleaning the crap system up? Not an option. 

Anyone else

find it odd the all-American crop was from China? So much for organic. 

Stand by

your 'nuts. Funny that I don't remember anyone asking the execs to drink the apple juice back in glory days. 

Maybe we should bail out

some food factories rather than endless banks? And hire some WPA inspectors, maybe? 

(Filched from Josh.) 

And exactly how

would washing and cooking have prevented puking, squitters, one death so far? 

"Electronic pasteurization"

How much more damage can these bozos do in the next 150 days?

Pitch

perfect. 

When life gives you terror alerts

make nacho slices. 

Eventually they will reach

the one-millionth suspect for the salmonella watch list. One fucking jalapeno? Can this government be saved?

Turd Blossom's legacy

Maybe America has finally learned what happens when the horse shit gets too deep. 

One nation

under the bed. Of course, figures lie and liars figure, because this story mentions ground beef in passing, but the pants-wetting seems to be over produce. McDonald's, after all, is a constitutional right. 

On the plus side

we can take comfort in knowing not all the funny money was distributed in Iraq.

When ingredients

are treated like suspected terrorists: Accuse them all and keep bungling. 

Tomato terror

Why we subscribe to two newspapers: put this and this together and you get a full story. One makes you despair for your bloated government, the other makes you wonder why the tomatoes couldn't be cooked rather than left to rot. Or why that was never an option for consumers. . . . 

Somehow

I don't think jalapenos will be the culprit, although "loose ends" is an interesting phrase to use in an investigation of salmonella-driven diarrhea. And Lou Dobbs is going to go even more batshit insane. As always, though, the mystery is why recalls of far more lethal beef just elicit yawns. 

Who needs terrorists

when we have the FDA? And it might not even be tomatoes at risk. 

For all my skepticism

about the frenzy over tainted tomatoes, I have to admit I did just wash the sublime champagne mango I just bought at Gourmet Garage (still no bag reward). Crap on the skin goes straight into the flesh when you slice into fruit. And in a world where the preponderance of farmworkers and food handlers have no clean place to void, let alone wash up afterward, it's amazing the rich all over the planet are not brought to their knees before the porcelain throne every night. Shit doesn't just happen.

Why do all the tomatoes

illustrating the scare stories look exactly like the greenhouse babies that are safe to eat?

Which came first?

The salmonella in the egg or in the chicken? So far, this cuts through the FDA tomato crap best.